Give Up? Never.

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Last night I sat in my bed in a yoga sitting position, with pillows propped behind my back as I worked on a class assignment. I paused to take in all that was happening on my cozy queen bed. On the left side of me was my soon-to-be 9-year-old son sitting with his laptop computer telling me how excited he was that he now has 55 friends on a game site that he and his classmates visit regularly to compete. In between us sat a pile of papers that included my work/school notebook, case studies and printed chapters of my e-book. And in my lap sat my 2-year-old daughter who was resting her head in my chest while asking me questions like, “Where’s Grandma?” as she attempted to fight off sleep. In between conversation with the kids, and referring to the various papers on my bed, I would lean over to my laptop that sat in front of me (carefully balancing my baby girl) and type my response to the case study discussion that was due within a couple of hours. After taking it all in, I sat in awe at the multitasking that was taking place. I could finally see why one of my closest friends recently started calling me the “Queen of Multitasking.”

I remember watching my parents do the very same thing during my elementary school years as they balanced their lives with school, work and kids. At the time my dad was studying computer engineering and was also active in the community. He coached the little league baseball team, sat in on protest at UDC and attended as many community meetings as possible. My mom was studying horticulture and had literally become the neighborhood mom. She regularly took groups of kids to the local library, the park and to the movies. She was also working her way up the ranks in the then male dominated National Park Service. They both volunteered for what seemed like everything at my school and were active members of the PTA. They did all this while parenting two children and opening up their home for weekly gatherings on Sundays with friends and anyone who needed a temporary place to stay during their time of struggles.

So as I sat on my bed taking it all in, I found comfort in knowing my kids would be receiving the same lesson that I did. That lesson being, “If you want it, you have to work for it.”

I’m hopeful that the work I’m putting in now will make it so my children will not have to work as hard as I have. Just as I have not had to work my way from the PJ’s like my parents had to because of the foundation they provided me. That foundation has instilled in me a strong willpower that has allowed me to move forward with graduate school while being a single mom with two children.

That said, deciding to attend graduate school has not been easy. In fact, when I postponed graduate school after just one week into this year’s summer semester it was disheartening. I wondered if it was all possible or if I was over my head. But instead of throwing in the “single mom” towel I evaluated what went wrong and made an effort to change course. I realized that my biggest road block was organizing my already full plate which included work, kids and life in general. So I spent the next two months preparing myself to go back to school in the fall. My hope was that with better preparation, which included a lot of prayer, I would be able to successfully balance school with work and family.

When September rolled around, I found myself not only preparing for a new graduate class but a new school year for my son, new day care for my daughter, new karate classes and a new soccer season. Any parent can attest that the first two weeks of school are hectic (especially for your checkbook). To get through it all I really had to buckle down by planning far ahead and organizing my time. Most of the preparation involved getting the kids on a better schedule, while maintaining quality one on one time, and reorganizing my schedule to involve study and assignments. I reconnected with my to do lists (which I nicknamed my new BFFs) and swallowed the big pill that during class I would not be able to keep up a social life at all.

By the time I started my MBA program this fall, the kids were on a better schedule that allowed me to study each night before going to bed and turn in my assignments throughout the week. After the first week went by flawlessly, I pumped my chest and stroked my ego and thought, “I knew I could do it!” As I look back on the four weeks of class that followed, I can’t help but shake my head and think, “Boy, was I naïve.”

The five weeks of my first class challenged my thinking and my ability to balance it all. It also revealed to me things about myself that, quite frankly, I would have been happy not knowing. After all ignorance is bliss, right? Looking back, now I can’t help but laugh out loud at myself and some of my blunders as I stumble through this new chapter in life.

Here are some of the highlights of my first semester in school and lessons I have learned along the way. Warning…it’s not pretty and I’m still a work in progress.

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OMG, My Brain Hurts!

We have all heard people say “my brain hurts” but have you ever truly felt it? Well, I started to know exactly how that felt right around the third week of school. By then I had started working on two major projects at work and was averaging reading four to five chapters, a case study, writing a weekly paper, and a quiz per week. Not only did my brain hurt but their were times when the bare basics like “memory” would temporarily leave to make space for everything else. I can’t tell you how many times I was actually talking to someone and would momentarily forget their name. Even worse their voice would temporarily become that of the teacher on Charlie Brown, “Wa wa wa wa wawa wa” — literally!

To compensate, I now use to do lists, post-its, notepads, calendars and phone alarms religiously. I have a to do list for the kids, for work, for school and home. My iPhone (aka the most valuable device ever!) now has four evening alarms that remind me of what time it is to keep the kids on schedule. One evening, while attending a conference, co-workers found it delightfully funny as the sound of a duck quacking rang from my phone to remind me of the kids bath time and later crickets chirped to signal their bedtime. I have to tell you I literally drool at the thought of upgrading to “Siri” (who I lovingly call “Cici”) and her beautiful reminder features.

Lists aside, I’m pretty sure my brain has somehow increased capacity (or compensated by removing the ability to remember names). Sort of like a muscle does when you try a new exercise. If it didn’t it sure feels like it.

What Do You Mean I’m Not 20 Anymore?

I have never believed in pulling all night study sessions — even during my college days. If I felt sleepy or tired while studying, I always hit the bed and opted for early morning study. I would get up two to three hours before my day and study with a fresh mind. Sounds easy, right? Yeah, when you’re 20.

The first time I tried to do an early morning study session in graduate school it was 5:30 a.m. on a Saturday morning. My hope was that I would get in a couple of hours of study before the kids woke up and I cooked them breakfast. When I woke up I did just like I had done so many years ago — grabbed a cup of coffee, grabbed my book and began to read. About an hour later, I woke up with my book in my lap and my head resting on the end of my couch. I’m pretty sure that it was my snoring that woke me up. Thinking it was a fluke, and perhaps the coffee hadn’t kicked in, I sipped more coffee and began to read again. When I woke up a half hour later with the cup of coffee snug in my lap, I pushed my book aside and headed back to bed.

Yep, I’m definitely not 20 anymore.

To compensate for my lack of youthfulness, I have completely adjusted my study habits which leads me to my next highlight.

Weekends?! What’s That?

I long for the day that I can join in with Rihanna as she sings from the radio, “Cheers to the fricken’ weekend.” I have never hated hearing, “How was your weekend?” or “So what are you doing this weekend?” so much in my life. I have found that telling folks the truth, “I spent the entire weekend studying and today is the first day that I actually left my house for anything other than a store run or play date,” usually receives a blank stare. You know that stare. The one that says, “I’m so sorry to hear that.” or “Awkward.”

The fact of the matter is, to balance it all, I have had to restrict my weekends to hitting the books and kids activities. Even my social media has tapered off. I don’t go on Facebook or Twitter as much because I don’t want to be reminded about what other people are doing with their “grad school free lives.” Pictures of friends toasting it up at restaurants, taking weekend retreats, or attending the latest show leave me longing for…well…a fricken’ weekend!

When I did get a few weeks break between classes I took full advantage of the time. The kids and I immediately hit the art galleries, the new MLK memorial and went to see Lion King 3D — all in one day! And on the one night I didn’t have both of the kids, I made sure I did all of my studying during the day on Saturday. That night I got dressed and hit the town with my best friend. It was awesome!

I have never had so much appreciation for weekends and personal time with family and friends like I do now. At the same time, I have never felt so satisfied on a Sunday night after completing my weekly quiz and turning in a paper that I knew I had done my very best on.

Hellooooo, Beauty Salon!

Whether it’s getting a “mani” or “pedi” or your hair “did” it always makes you feel good. For me getting my hair done has always been a time to chat it up with my beauticians. But since starting school, I now “heart” the entire beauty salon experience. Let me explain.

Going to the beauty salon is a process, especially for black women. If you are not aware of the process, I suggest you check out Chris Rock’s documentary Good Hair. That said, I’m lucky to be blessed with really good shampoo girls that take their time with my hair. Because of that my shampoos have become a much-needed 10-15 minute head massage. Sitting under the drier for 45 minutes has become my much-needed nap or a paper writing session (I received my best grade from a paper written under the hair dryer).  And the curling of my hair has become my official “no think zone” where I chat about the latest entertainment news and let go of the serious stuff. In other words, the beauty salon has become three hours of serious downtime for mama. My appreciation for hair appointments have grown to an entirely new level. I absolutely love it!

Even Batman Had Robin.

If you read my previous blogs you already know about my awesome support system that includes great family and friends. I’m fortunate enough to have two sidekicks that are there for me. The first is my mom. In fact, she has been so supportive that I now refer to her as “MJ” when talking to friends. She is definitely up there with Michael Jordan and Michael Jackson in my book. She is my rock star when it comes to helping out with the kids.

The second sidekick has been a pleasant surprise and that is my son. Even with his 8-year-old quirks, which include temporary hearing loss (that only seems to go when me or his grandma are talking to him), he has been extremely helpful with his little sister. To help out while I study, he reads his sister books, pops her popcorn and plays pretend with her. He even packs my laptop for me every morning and has it waiting for me at the door. In so many ways he has really stepped up as a big brother and son and I am extremely proud and thankful.

The Harder It Gets, The Harder I Praise.

To say I have been able to keep my sanity and an “A” average this first semester by simply making adjustments to schedules and leaning on family and friends would be crazy. The truth is, it has been my faith in God and that he has me covered, a lot of prayer and constant focus on my blessings versus my trials.

I continue to meditate daily and lean heavily on the Lord. My morning and evening commute are still filled with inspirational music and has become even more important to rejuvenating my spirit. There have been moments during this first semester where I knew it was God’s grace pulling me through. On several occasions, I have been bone tired and could feel myself becoming completely overwhelmed when a sudden calm would take over me. I instantly knew everything would be okay and that I was going to ace whatever project I was doing. And I did. And when a sudden change had to be made to my schedule that allowed me a couple of weeks in between class and the new course directly tied into new responsibilities I have at work — I knew it was HIS grace seeing me through.

Another blessing has been Oprah’s Lifeclass series which I highly recommend. Her lifeclasses helped me stay focused on why I’m attending graduate school and I experienced many “ah ha” moments that provided me with clarity and reassurance about living my life’s purpose. It is not surprising that one of my biggest “ah ha” moments came from a show that focused on my all-time favorite Maya Angelou who shared her simple yet powerful life mantra, “When you know better, you do better.” The Oprah Lifeclass series, and it’s homework, served as an incredible motivator for me to keep pressing on.

Reading daily scripture has also acted as my strength — in particular Ephesians 2 and Proverbs. Each of them has helped keep me focused on why I started my graduate school journey and reminded me why it is important to never give up.

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So as you continue on your journey and you face times that make you want to give up (because those times will surely come), remember the battle is not yours alone. Lean on your faith — walk by faith, not by sight. Lean on others. And by gosh get yourself a good shampoo girl!

Wishing you the very best in your journey (and a little humor along the way).

Ms. Layo

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Letting Go & Loving Yourself Again

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Cancun - June 2011

When my family took our annual summer vacation to Cancun in June I never let a day go by that I didn’t walk at least a mile on the beach alone. I called them my “me, myself and I” walks. As I strolled down the beach I smiled at others passing by, picked out sea shells, ran into the waves and ran back when it look like one might carry me away. I marveled at the hotels, the kids playing, the old man standing proud in his tiny Speedo as the waves washed over his feet and a group of women having the time of their lives playing in the waves. I absolutely loved those walks. They were my time to reflect, meditate, plan and pray. Even more they affirmed for me how far I had come from just 7 months before when I decided to leave an unhealthy relationship and put loving myself first. It had been a tough road but there I was walking on a gorgeous beach alone, but not lonely. Completely happy and in love with myself– flaws and all.

My now 9 month journey (or sabbatical as I lovingly call it) has brought me an incredible amount of perspective, peace and wisdom. I hope by sharing parts of my on-going journey it will somehow help others who may be in a similar situation by letting them know you are not alone. Though it may be tough now there truly is purpose in the storm. Like my grandma used to tell us, “When there is a storm you need to sit still, be quiet and listen.” In the past 9 months I have done a lot of listening and now I’m finally ready to speak about what I have learned.

As always if you have a similar story please feel free to share by commenting so that others may benefit or provide encouragement.

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Facing the Difficult Decision

It’s never easy to let go of someone you love even if the relationship with them causes you pain. Be it a parent, sibling, friend or partner it usually takes extreme circumstances to get one to the point of parting ways. My situation wasn’t any different. I had reached a point in my relationship where I felt I had lost myself. My confidence, spunk, humor, ability to love without inhibitions– they were all gone. More importantly I felt as if I had lost my relationship with God. When I looked in the mirror what I saw was a woman in constant spiritual conflict. On one side, I pushed myself to try to work things out with my daughter’s father who I believed at the time to be my best friend and love of my life.

I constantly asked myself. What if I never tried to work it out? Would I regret it if I walked away again like I did so many years before?

But eventually, I could no longer ignore the part of me that told me I deserved better. I deserved a healthy relationship based on loyalty, respect, trust and dependability.

Although it was tough to finally decide to let go I soon learned that deciding to leave was only half of the battle. Stopping the cycle of an unhealthy relationship from occurring again and again would be just as difficult as the decision to leave.

I’ll never forget the day I realized that our relationship cycle of break-up and make-up was starting again despite my declaration that it was over. I sat for hours trying to figure out the best way to escape the “hamster wheel.” After taking a long and hard look at the situation, and myself, I realized it would take a very strong will and determination from me. I would have to be disciplined enough to set boundaries and stop all communication with the exception of what was needed for my daughter. It wasn’t easy. To be honest, it was one of the most difficult things I have ever done. But 9 months later I can say it was one of the best decisions I have ever made.

Good Morning Heartache

Like the great late Billie Holiday sang:

Good Morning Heartache. You’re the one who knew me when. Might as well get used to you hanging around. Good Morning Heartache. Sit down.

And boy did it sit down. After leaving the relationship and setting firm boundaries it wasn’t long before reality hit and heartache settled in.

One of the toughest parts for me, and I’m sure many parents that have separated from their child’s mom or dad can attest to, was staring at my beautiful child who happened to be the spitting image of her dad. There were times that she would stare at me with her beautiful hazel eyes and smile and I would almost crumble.

To stay afloat I focused on work and the kids. I also found a few key things that really help pull me through the toughest moments of heartache. Here are a few:

  • Saying NO to love songs. YES! I know for many of us one of the first things we do when we experience heartache is run to our music collection. We pull up our favorite artist who we feel know exactly what we are feeling and we put their album or song on repeat. As hard as it was, I resisted going to my favorite love songs. I temporarily put Maxwell, Musiq and others soul artist I love aside. Instead I replaced them with a playlist of empowering and inspirational songs by various artist and genres. Those songs reminded me of the power and strength I have as a beautiful, strong and smart woman and as a child of God. And at night, when my mind really began to wrestle with heartache I would listen to the John Coltrane Pandora station. I found that the music moved my thoughts to the future, my dreams and aspirations and by going to sleep with those thoughts in my head my mornings were less stressful, more optimistic and purposeful. As Jill Scott says in her single Blessed, “Went to sleep stressed, woke up refreshed.” And yes, that song is number one on my inspirational song playlist during my commute to and from work.
  • Letting it all out. For most, crying either comes easy or it comes hard. For me it has always come hard. It used to be if you saw me cry it was in your best interest to run because it usually meant I was mad as hell and likely to hurt someone. When heartache first hit me I resisted the urge to cry. But after a while I gave in and let the tears flow. Those crying sessions quickly turned to prayer sessions and then full praise sessions. I found power in being completely submissive and realizing I could no longer do it on my own. I literally handed it all over to a higher power and prayed for guidance and wisdom from all of the pain. Soon I used those times to reflect and give thanks for all that I have achieved. Two beautiful kids. Having a job that I enjoyed during tough economic times. Even the little things like taking a warm shower in the morning. Those moments were so cleansing for me. It was as if I was releasing years of built up negative energy and replacing it with positive energy. Because of that I have learned that crying, combined with prayer and complete submission to a higher power, can be incredibly healing and the beginning of you finding true happiness within yourself. 
  • Sticking to the boundaries. For many people rules are meant to be broken or at the very least tested. Even though I set firm boundaries with my ex to keep the communication focused on my daughter, it wasn’t surprising that the boundaries were tested. One of the boundaries I set was that all communication would temporarily be in writing via e-mail or text. The reason being, I had discovered that removing verbal contact allowed me the time to center myself and remove anger and bitterness from my communication with my daughter’s father. By thinking things through I was able to remind myself what I was working towards — releasing myself from an unhealthy relationship, healing, living the life I deserve and being one with God– and not react emotionally. Finally, after making it extremely clear that the rules would not be broken, or even bent, the tests became less frequent and my strength and will became stronger.
  • Leaning on my Chicas. There is something incredibly healing about putting on a killer outfit with a fresh hair style and make-up and going out with the girls. Whether it was a comedy club, jazz fest, movies or a Micheal Jackson Wii dance off at my home– spending time with my circle of friends (or my “Chicas” as I call them) really helped. As my life coach explained, our natural reaction when experiencing a break-up is to withdraw from friends and family while you manage your way through heartache. I’ll admit that was my first response. But through the encouragement of my life coach I did the opposite. Instead I spent more time with them. It was great advice. By the end of our girls night out my cheeks and abs would be sore from laughter we shared and my heart full of the joy and blessings that great friends bring. Even now the hugs we share when we part are our secret code for letting each other know, no matter what you are going through, I’m hear if you need me. Those hugs turned out to be just what my soul needed.
  • Staying consistent with an exercise regimen. There couldn’t have been a better time for me to join a bootcamp. Two months before ending my relationship, I joined the Lloyd Irving Martial Arts Superwoman Bootcamp. The bootcamp not only offers a rigorous exercise regimen but it also provides nutritional guidance and a sisterhood. Being able to go somewhere twice a week to punch, kick and scream allowed me to relieve an incredible amount of stress and focus on my health and wellness for a full hour without distraction. Restricting my diet to certain foods helped increase my energy. The sisterhood, and loosing the baby fat from having my daughter, provided yet another source of confidence and positive reinforcement. I eventually added jogging, cycling and ab workouts to my regimen. After a while I began to feel and look like the old me. I have no doubt that working out, along with prayer, played a large role in my ability to maintain being a great mom to my kids while I worked through heartache. It gave me the strength to be able to run around, tickle, sing songs and dance with them even when my mind was weary and body was tired.
  • Counting my blessings. As long as I can remember, I have always tried to check myself when facing difficult times by imagining what others in the world might be going through at that very moment. Hunger, sickness, the loss of a loved one, depression, war. I think that habit came from having a father that constantly spoke about world issues and reminded me that being an American afforded us luxuries that millions could not. Thinking of those things always made my situation seem less heavy and more doable. This time I took it a step further. Day by day I deliberately counted my blessings the big and the small. It has now become part of my daily routine when I wake up and when I rest my head. From the little things like my daily commute which takes me through DC’s Maine Avenue where I get the chance to stare at the beautiful monuments, cherry blossoms when they are in season, and the White House while sitting at a traffic light. To the larger things, like having two gorgeous children that scream mommy and give me hugs and kisses as I walk in the door and a “ride or die” mom who is there whenever I need her. Counting my blessings has centered me in so many ways. It has help me realize I have so much to be proud of, thankful for and to look forward to.

Looking in the Mirror

To really learn from your past and heal you have to take the time to reflect and inspect what has caused you pain. It takes an incredible amount of introspection to look at a situation and realize the source of the problem. It’s an even harder pill to swallow when you are looking to identify your own faults and contributions to the problem.

That said, it’s no wonder reflection was the part of my journey I really hoped to accomplish but hated.

About six months into my journey I became incredibly irritated with the fact that I still thought about the relationship with my daughter’s father. I figured it had been six months — enough already. I had become tired of thinking about it all. One day after grabbing a quick lunch and bringing it back to my desk to finish a project, I sat down at my desk and thought to myself, “What is the purpose of it all? Why can’t this crap just get out of my head.” Moments later I went to type an e-mail, but instead of writing the work e-mail I intended to send, I ended up with these words on my screen seconds later:

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In reflection I find answers
In reflection I experience “Ah Ha” moments
In reflection I cringe at my ignorance
In reflection my eyes are open to how naive I was
In reflection I am hit by pain that makes me long to be in the fetal position
In reflection I find wisdom
In reflection I acknowledge my wrong doings
In reflection I find the need to forgive myself
In reflection I forgive myself
In reflection I find empathy for others
In reflection I acknowledge others wrong doings
In reflection I forgive others for their wrong doings
In reflection I find peace

Reflection can feel like your worst enemy but acknowledging the past is the only way to free yourself to move forward to your present and prepare for a future full of purpose.

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After that incredible “Ah Ha” moment I completely stopped running away from thinking about it all and seeing flashbacks as a source of pain. Instead I viewed them as a source for growth and healing. I also saw it as a chance to improve myself and prepare for the day that I will end my sabbatical from relationships and begin dating again. Instead of running away I embraced them and talked about them with my life coach, my mom, my brother and friends. I ended up learning so much about myself, men and relationships. In the end, I was able to forgive myself and others which completely freed me from anger and bitterness.

Loving Yourself Again

Last night, after putting the kids to bed, I laid across the foot of my bed listening to John Coltrane serenade me from my IPhone. My apartment was completely quite and peaceful. You would have never guessed that just an hour ago it was center stage to my soon to be two year old daughter’s 20-minute long temper tantrum. Or that my eight year old son, who was very helpful during the “terrible two” tantrum, had also stomped off to bed pouting after he realized it was his bed time too which meant he had to shut off the computer in the middle of one of his Lego games. Despite the tantrum and pouting, the night ended with my daughter crawling into my arms and putting her head on my chest to go to sleep and my son smiling after I gestured towards him with my famous “kissy fish lips”– my way of saying give me a kiss goodnight. It had been a long work day followed by bootcamp that left my muscles burning and begging for rest. I was relieved that the day had finally come to an end. As I listened to John Coltrane transition into the song Cousin Mary I replayed the last 9 months through my head. I was amazed that despite it all there I was lying in bed as happy as can be. As I basked in my happiness and began to meditate and pray, I realized that I had reached a point where I had fallen back in love with myself— flaws and all.

Getting to this phase in my life has been an incredible journey. One that my family and friends have certainly noticed. It’s a proud moment when you have someone say to you, “Look at you! You are so happy and at a peace!” I can’t help but respond to them with a huge smile.

As I enter the next phase of my journey, the puposeful sabbatical from dating and relationships, I look forward to focusing solely on myself, my relationship with God, family and friends. I am eager to see what is next. Already I have become more focused on my larger career goals and dreams. I have started giving back through monthly volunteerism with my chicas and will start graduate school next week (with the kids successfully on a better night schedule! — see previous post).

I have to admit I’m enjoying the single life. It’s rather peaceful. To be honest, I’m not in a rush to get back to the world of intimate relationships with all of it’s complexities. But when I do, I know that I will be bringing with me a lot more perspective and wisdom and a lot less baggage. I’m looking forward to the adventure.

Wishing you the very best on your journey,

Ms. Layo

 

Balancing Your Dreams With Reality

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Recently I found myself at a crossroads. After a week of struggling to balance work, nightly class assignments, home life (which included soccer, martial arts, bootcamp, getting myself baptized and the kids christened, preparing Mother’s day brunch and potty training a 19-month old who didn’t want to go to sleep until 9:30 p.m.)— I quickly knew I was in too deep. I regretfully took off my superwoman cape and picked up the phone to inform the student advisor for my MBA program that I would have to delay my start date from the summer semester to the fall. I figured that would give me three months to prepare by having the kids on a more fixed schedule, finding extra help in the evening, and minimizing my social life. When I hung up the phone, the idea that I might not be able to accomplish my dreams because of what was now my reality — single-mom with busy career and two kids — scared the living daylights out of me. I literally couldn’t move. Could it be possible that I may never accomplish my dream? Or my life’s purpose? Would this make me resentful towards my kids? What now?

Luckily, I have three things in my life that I consider to be absolute necessities. The first is a relationship with God that includes constant prayer and meditation. The second is a consistent exercise regimen to relieve stress and rejuvenate my body and mind. And the third, is a strong support system that includes family, good friends, a few mentors and a very good life coach.

So when I found myself in a state of shock brought on by a strong dose of reality I quickly turned to my life coach. Her advice would provide me with a powerful “Ah Ha” moment. One that would eventually lead to me launching this blog. As I broke down my life’s dream, how it came to be and the dilemma I found myself in she listened intently. To understand the advice she gave that caused my “Ah Ha” moment, you will need to know a bit more about me, my life’s dream and what I have come to realize is my life’s purpose. So please allow me to take you through a short journey through my childhood (actually it’s more like a drive-by)…

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As far as I can remember, I have always had big dreams. My parents encouraged me at a very young age to think big. They provided me with book after book that told the stories of people beating the odds and becoming successful. Like so many kids, I started off wanting to be a doctor. That dream quickly faded when I discovered that the sight of human organs made me squeamish. Somewhere around junior high school, I landed on wanting to become a big time corporate lawyer who would make my way to the top by breaking the “glass ceiling” that women (especially women of color) faced.

But something happened when I was about 15 or 16 years old.

Like most teenage girls I was at odds with my parents. Nothing that they did ever seemed right. I was convinced that my parents ultimate goal was to ruin my life. Of course, now that I’m older and have kids of my own I realize that was not the case. Nevertheless, if you look beyond the sarcasm of a teenage girl, the reality was that my family was facing tough times. By then, I was old enough to internalize the turmoil taking place in my parents relationship. My parents had long grown apart but had rationalized that staying together for the kids and finances was the best thing to do. Their constant bickering had begun to take its toll on me emotionally. Add to that the drama of growing up in Southeast Washington, D.C., where I had lost at least a dozen friends to drugs and violence either through jail, addiction or death— and you can imagine there were times where I felt completely overwhelmed. To get away from it all, I would often retreat to my bathroom with the door locked and the lights off. There I would daydream about a better life, cry, and stare into the dark wishing it would all go away. I had no clue that it would be in that tiny dark room that I would discover my life’s dream and purpose.

During one of my “retreats”, I began to ponder Maya Angelou‘s book I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings a story I had developed a special kinship with. I thought about how Ms. Angelou’s book was able to provide me with so much encouragement. Even Oprah referenced the book, and Ms. Angelou, as being very important figures that contributed to who she had become. I began thinking about how great it would be if all the girls I knew would read I Know Why the Caged Bird Sings so they too could be inspired. More importantly, I wanted them to know that someone else had experienced the very same trials and tribulations they were facing and made it through. It was then that I proclaimed, “That’s what I want to do. I want to touch other girls lives just like Maya Angelou did mine.” I still remember that moment as if it were yesterday. I felt an incredible joy and peace come over me. As I visualized helping other girls realize their true potential, everything in me told me I could do it. There I was sitting in the dark smiling from ear to ear — I had discovered my purpose.

Over the years my life’s dream has become more defined. By the time I finished college, where I discovered my passion for writing, I knew that I wanted to own a multi-media publishing company that would be dedicated to building the self-esteem of women to help them persevere throughout life’s obstacles. Years of working in corporate America have help evolve my dream to include building a company that would not only produce an outstanding product, but provide a place where employees enjoy their work, are able to be creative and touch others lives.

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When I started graduate school this summer to acquire an MBA in Innovation & Entrepreneurship it felt like the natural next step for both my career and accomplishing my life’s dream.

So as I rambled on about my dream and the fact that I had to delay school to my life coach, she asked a few questions to understand how my dream came to be and then challenged my thinking. She explained to me that although I have a lot on my plate I could still live my dream — it just might take a little longer than I planned. She went on to explain that I could start living my dream now by taking small, yet significant steps while also moving forward with more long term steps such as graduate school. She then provided the example of a blog versus a publishing company. She asked, “Why not start a blog where you could do the same thing on a smaller scale?”

You ever have a moment where you knew God was speaking to you? Or if you are not a religious person, a moment that you knew would be life changing? That’s how I felt after she posed the question. It was as if I was in that dark bathroom again smiling at the possibilities.

So here I am taking a small, yet significant step to hopefully touch the lives of other women by simply letting them know you are not alone. I have since taken other small steps to living in purpose. I’ve volunteered to mentor at my church. I have begun networking more through LinkedIn to build a base of contacts for the future. And I have to tell you, although each step has been small, I feel great! I now try to take one small step per day, even if it is simply reading an informative article, listening to a webinar or identifying one more possible lead within my LinkedIn network.

What about you? What is your life’s dream? With all that you have to balance, what small steps can you take towards living in purpose?

Here are a couple steps I have found to be helpful on my journey to living in purpose.

  • Start vocalizing your dreams. Breathe life into your dreams. I’ve found that the more I talk about my goals the more doable they become. Learning that my co-workers, family and friends all thought my dream was viable and something they could see me accomplishing has provided me with a tremendous level of confidence. That being said, stay clear of dream killers. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone expanding your thought process by providing constructive feedback or criticism. In fact you should seek that type of feedback out. It can only make you wiser on your journey to achieving your life’s dream. Examples of constructive feedback are: “Have you thought about this…” OR “You should try to connect with…” OR “If you do X, you should be sure to also do Y.” Share your dreams with those that you consider to be part of your support system (who you know have your back) or someone who has been successful in your field of interest.
  • Write your ideas down. I have a journal where I keep all of my business ideas. I even keep notes in my iPhone (there is literally a half written mission statement for my business in there that came to me while sitting in church).
  • Act on your “Ah Ha” moments. I call them whispers from God. You may call it intuition. Whatever you call them “Ah Ha” moments are precious. Investigate them. If it proves to be viable — act on it. Need a push? Here’s one. While working at one of the top newspapers in the country, I found myself on D.C.’s subway during my commute home trying to think of a digital solution that would offset the decreasing advertising revenue from the mass exit of print subscribers to online. I came home and scribbled all over what must have been 10 pages drawing pictures of a gadget I thought would be the solution. I called a close friend to ramble off my thoughts. He would be the only person to see my drawings. The next day I called a co-worker to discuss how I could get an idea I had in front of the owners of the newspaper. He provided me with great advice but I didn’t act on it. It didn’t take long before I began to question myself and my idea. Four years later, the launch of the iPad prompted me to pull those sketches out. I sat in my living room in awe at the resemblance of my sketches and the iPad. Now it is highly likely that the iPad was already being developed by then. But it doesn’t stop me from wondering, what if I would have used the network I had available in the publishing business to move forward on my idea?
  • Network with others. I have to admit this is one of my shy points. I tend to be a very private person, especially in my professional life. The good thing is that you can find a lot of information about networking best practices online. One of the best tips I received on networking was from Vicki Irvin, a top entrepreneurial and business coach. During a recent webinar  she discussed how to connect with potential business partners or clients. She explained that people don’t hear you until they know you. This was a huge wake-up call for me! As I listened to Vicki speak, I thought about all of the people I have developed great professional relationships with and they are all people who know about me, my kids and my personal interest.
  • Balance your dreams with your reality. Everyone’s reality is different. Whether your reality requires that you balance your dream with a hectic day-to-day career, finances, relationships or kids — identify ways that you can move forward. Again, share your ideas with your support system. Get others feedback. I have a friend, Erin Jackson, who is now an accomplished comedian. She always wanted to try comedy. Years ago, she revealed her dream to her then boyfriend who encouraged her to take the stage at a local night club. She loved it. It solidified for her that comedy was what she wanted to do. But she still had to pay the bills. So instead of doing full-time comedy, she did shows here and there. She slowly built her comedy experience, material and audience. After years of taking small significant steps through networking and good old fashion hard work, she has been featured on NBC’s hit show, Last Comic Standing and has had enough success to do comedy full-time. She’s now living in purpose by bringing thousands of people joy and laughter.

So again—  What is your life’s dream? What steps are you taking towards it? What bits of wisdom have you found along the way?

Share them with us. Join the conversation. 

Wishing you the very best in your journey,

Ms. Layo

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